Letting Go

I am going to let you guys in on a little secret. Independence is very important to me. Sure, I wax passionate about community and sharing life together. Counteracting the independent spirit that our western, consumer driven culture indoctrinates us with. I have all kinds of mini soapboxes about this topic (hopefully you won’t ever have to hear them). I haven’t lived on an income above the poverty line since college, but God has blessed me and I have always had my needs met-and more most of the time. I have never been very interested in acquiring stuff, which is has been helpful to my nomadic nature and the fact I have moved across the country various times over the years. I have spent the last few years sharing life with a group of people-everything from food to clothes to rooms, even beds at times. And while it has been some of the most difficult lessons of my life, I have become hooked on that lifestyle. I see God’s heart for it, and His design in it. I feel like I am doing pretty good in this whole department, that God has broken me, and I am ready-a renegade, Shane Claiborne-esque voice in the wilderness (minus the dreads) calling our generation to this Acts 4 lifestyle. Bring it on, God.

Ha. I am so full of crap sometimes.

OK, not entirely true. These things ARE important to me. They are things that I think God is calling me to proclaim and bring awareness to in His Body. But, over the past few weeks I have discovered that my independent nature is still there, half buried under all these good intentions I have. But, yes she has reared her ugly head. The catalyst for all this? The dreaded S word. SUPPORT.

When I accepted this position at AIM, I knew that I would be stretched. When I was first offered the opportunity to come on board with the World Race, I was told that the the position would be partially support raised. This comforted me a bit. I know that God’s call in my life to missions inevitably involves this step of faith. I liked the idea of “getting my feet wet”, so to speak, in the whole process. When I received my compensation document, it stated I would be raising 100% of my income, specifically $1500 a month. Wait a minute! What happened to getting my feet wet? As I emailed with my supervisors, I was told that given my long term goals in the mission field, they wanted to “set me up for success” in the future. They did not want to rob God of the chance to show up. As I went to God in prayer about this with anxiousness in my heart, God confirmed what He told me at the beginning of this whole endeavor “I am opening a door-you need to walk through it.” And “You can trust Me.” “OK, God, I say, taking a deep breath. Let’s try this walking on water stuff.”

I have been surprised at the internal struggle that has been waged inside me as I have begun this support raising process. It is not that I don’t believe that God can do it. I know He can. I have heard so many testimonies of God’s faithfulness in providing for friends who are in similar situations (read one particularly amazing one from my dear friend Sara here). I think what I have been struggling with the most is giving up control. That is essentially what independence comes down to. Having the upper hand in a situation. Sure, I have made a career out of giving and serving, but when it comes time to putting myself in a true place of dependence on others, my flesh rises up hardcore. It hates this whole idea. “Ugh, I don’t want to ask these guys to support me. What if they say no? They are probably wondering why I don’t have a ‘real’ job. Didn’t I go to college?” And the cockamamy lies just roll on. And as much as I hate to admit it, I do care about what people think. I want people to see that I am responsible and capable to provide for my own needs. I wish I could figure this all out for myself. But I have to let go. I have to let Him do it. And I have to let you, my friends, family, and supporters, partner with Him in doing it.

So, here I am. Humbly asking you for help. I cannot do this alone. AIM cannot do the work God has called them to alone. Orphans cannot be fed, freedom cannot be proclaimed, and lives cannot be changed without the Body coming alongside in partnership. And it truly is a partnership. God is sovereign on the throne-He has the ability to meet every need that exists. For some wild reason, though, He has chosen to use us in bringing His Kingdom to this earth. He invites us to partake in the blessing of being part of what He is doing in the world today. So, I invite you to ask Him what your role is. Maybe it is supporting me, or another missionary. Maybe it is a call to the mission field yourself. Maybe it is to pray for a specific ministry or person. Whatever He is speaking, I challenge you to step out and do it. Not out of guilt or obligation, but out love and obedience to Him.

If you feel the Lord leading you to partnership with me and my ministry with the World Race, click on the SUPPORT ME link on the left. All gifts are tax deductible. Also, if you have any questions about my ministry at AIM and on the World Race, use the Contact Me link to send me a message. I would love to chat with you.

Join me in believing God. That He would not only provide for every single one of my needs, but that He will continue to refine me and strip me of all things that are not of Him, so He can be fully glorified through me. Believe it for yourself, too. He wants to do it. Will we let Him?