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Exhaling

I am sitting by the window in the quiet of my friends’ cute little house here in Redding, CA.  From my perch, I can see the angora goats and chickens coming out for their morning feed.  I smile as I look around at the little farm my friends have created, take a deep breath and slowly exhale, feeling months of tension begin to lift.  I am thankful to be here.
 
the backyard of my home for the next month.        Freddie, one of the critters on the farm.       

I am spending the month of January here in Redding on a personal sabbatical.  I came home from Thailand at the beginning of December in a grieving state of sorts.  I left the U.S. four months ago with the sincere thought that I would go to Thailand, see God moving there, love it, find my niche, and THIS would be at least the start of the answer to my cry for direction and roots and calling. With each passing month I was there there, though, I was almost shocked at how much that was NOT the case.  For a number of reasons, I left Thailand on Nov 30th with no intention of returning any time in the near future.

It is my natural instinct to figure things out, to have a back up plan, so even before I left Thailand, I began exploring some options of what to do upon my return to home.  I started looking within AIM, concerned about my supporters and wanting to keep my integrity with them as I came home.  Every door I pushed on was not the one that the Lord wanted to open, apparently, and I found myself even more confused and fighting helplessness.  As I was trying to make things work on my own, somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that God was in the business of doing His thing in His timing, and all my meager efforts were like a toddler trying to help her mommy bake.  Cute, and adored for the effort, but, ultimately this apple pie is going to be finished by Him.

So. Here I am.  I have been here for about three days now, and my spirit has already been confirmed multiple times that, yes, this is where I am supposed to be for this sabbatical season.  Wanting to be transparent with my support community, here are the things I hope to accomplish in the next month or so: 

1.) First, before any of the other stuff can follow, I need to decompress and rest.  This does not mean just lying around in my p.j’s all day, but a rest for my mind and my spirit.  Coming off Thailand straight into the holidays did not afford much time and space for that.  The house I am staying in permeates peace and this process is well on it’s way to happening already.  God woke me up with Psalm 23:2 this morning that says “He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul”.  I find myself breathing easier here. It is a good feeling.  

2.) A renewal in my relationship with God.  So, that scenario of me being the cute toddler and God being my maternal baking partner?  Well, the reality is I have been more like the tantrum throwing toddler that got frustrated when things didn’t happen like I thought they should.  In the midst of this frustration, I kinda put myself at a spiritual stalemate with Him.  I knew there were some things we needed to hash out together, but I couldn’t bring myself to go there.  I know I need to go there.

3.) Seeking my next steps.  While this is the last place I wanted to find myself in, I have confidence that I have a good Father who has good plans for this life of mine.  I just want to position myself in a place to hear Him clearly.  And walk in a place of confidence and obedience, no matter what that thing is.  Even if it means leaving full time ministry for a while.  My friends living out here are attending a ministry school at Bethel Church. It is a place full of hungry people seeking after the face of God and expecting Him to move in the fullness of everything He is.  And some pretty amazing things happen.  I can’t think of a better atmosphere to immerse myself in as I press into these questions.
 
 
 Please, I covet your prayers..  This is not a time I am taking lightly or as a vacation.  I see it as a threshold into a new thing God is doing.  Pray that I don’t squander a bit of it, but make the most of every opportunity He gives me here.  I appreciate it more than you know.

So, now I am off to hear Heidi Baker speak at church this morning.  Starting my time off here with a bang, eh?! 🙂

Grateful, excited and expecting big things from my God,

Jessica

TO MY MONTHLY FINANCIAL SUPPORTERS: I do not take lightly the sacrifice and investment you have made into my life.  Please know I want to be a good steward of what God has given me through you.  Upon my return from Redding, I will be contacting each one of you personally to update you on what God has done and what your partnership could look like in the future.  Again, thank you for being the Body to me.

6 Comments

  3. I’m so glad you are there… great people, great atmosphere, and an open door to the throneroom of your Daddy… Make the most of it friend. We love you.

  5. i am so glad that you are exhaling! I thank you for your honesty. I ask for a month of freedom to just be with Papa. Amen

  6. Ms. McClure, I respect you so much. First, that portrait of the goat: priceless. I want it hanging on my wall. Think you could mail me an 24×33 print? Second, prayers are on the way! Third, you are gonna pull through. God is all-pervasive. He is all around you waiting to be soaked up. I can’t wait to hear what you absorb!

    Hugs from the Midwest!

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